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Cerita-cerita Lucu !

Old and Healthy
    This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.  They had been in good health the last ten years
mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
 
    When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
 
    Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.  They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
 
    Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet?  This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured,
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever
you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.  This is
Heaven."
 
    With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!  If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
 
 
Kerajaan Nikotin
    Jaman dulu di sebuah negeri bernama Cigarilos, hiduplah seorang raja bernama Minak Djinggo.  Raja yang memimpin dengan adil dan bijaksana ini, mempunyai seorang putri nan cantik jelita, namanya Sri Wedari.
 
    Suatu hari ketika putri sedang bermain di halaman, datanglah
segerombolam koboi Marlboro.  Koboi-koboi itu lalu menculik sang
putri.  Beberapa hari kemudian sang raja menerima surat ancaman dari sang koboi yang isinya:

        "Wahai raja, kalau putrimu ingin selamat, kamu harus menebus dengan uang sebesar US$ 555 juta.  Kami tunggu anda di Gudang Garam di Negeri Kansas. Jika anda tidak dapat memenuhi permintaanku, aku akan tusuk putrimu dengan Djarum Super sampai Bentoel Bentoel"

    Raja menjadi geram, lalu diadakanlah sayembara untuk mencari pendekar yang dapat menyelamatkan sang putri.  Singkat cerita, terpilihlah Pendekar Sampoerna dengan senjata pamungkasnya: GENTONG! Sang pendekar rupanya pernah berguru dengan seorang suhu dari negri  Tiongkok, bernama Djie Sam Soe.  Sang pendekar pun berangkat ke medan laga untuk menyelamatkan sang putri.

    Sebelum berangkat sang pendekar mohon pamit, "Wismilak, suhu"
kata sang pendekar.  Dijawab oleh si suhu "Get Lucky, muridku."
Sang raja pun berucap untuk sang pendekar "Lasta Masta."
Dengan semangat dan perlawanan yang gigih di bukit Dunhill akhirnya  sang pendekar dapat menyelamatkan sang putri.

    Raja sangat senaaaaaaang sekali dan diadakanlah pesta semalan suntuk di restoran LA Light. Pada saat makan malam berlangsung, sang Raja menghampiri sang pendekar yang sedang murung.
Raja bertanya, "Wahai pendekar, ini bukan basa-basi lho, pesta ini
aku adakan khusus untuk merayakan kegagah beranian anda."

    Lalu pendekar pun menjawab "Pria Punya Selera."
 
 
 
Lost In A Jungle
   Three men, one Japanese, one Samoan and one Portuguese were lost in a jungle and captured by cannibals.  The cannibal king told the  prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.  The first step of the  trial was to go into the jungle and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

    So all three men went their separate ways to gather fruit. The Samoan came back and said to the king, "I brought ten mangoes."
The  king explained the trial to him.  You have to shove the fruit up
your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.  The
first mango went in...but on the second the Samoan winced out in pain, so he was killed.

    The Japanese man arrived and showed the king ten poha berries.  When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.  1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth
berry he burst out in laughter, he kept laughing and laughing and laughing until eventually he was killed.

    Later that afternoon, The Samoan guy and the Japanese guy met in heaven.  The Samoan guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"  The Japanese guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Portuguese guy coming back with pineapples."
 

 
They Were Taught This At The University
    Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first
man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing
his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels
before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean.

    The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his
fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.

    The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door had a smirk on his face and said: I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands.

 
 
 
Confused Boy
    Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
    Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want youto take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did.  "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."
 
    When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!

 
 
 
The Four Expectant Fathers
    The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
    "What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

    The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man,"You are the father of triplets."

"Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

    When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

    "Another coincidence  I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

    At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.

    "What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."

 
 
 
Nerds in  Season
    A  truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.  As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
saying:
    "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK !"  He
goes in and sits down.
    The bartender comes over to him, sniffs,  says he smells kind of
nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.  The truck driver says he
drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

    As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils
stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.  The truck driver asks him why he did that.

    The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.  You don't even need a license, he said.

    So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway.  Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.  The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.  He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.  They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.  He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.  The truck driver said, "What's wrong?  I thought nerds were in season."

    "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But  you can't bait 'em."
 

 
 
Run Out Of Gas
    A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car.  They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
    The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."; so he goes out to the barn.  In a few minutes, the farmer hears  a knock on the door.  It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
    So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."  A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi.  He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

    So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.  A few minutes later,
there is a knock on the door.  It's the pig and the cow.

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